if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
