Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
