She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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