my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
