She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
