she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
