You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
