the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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