So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
