Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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