hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
