Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
