The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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