I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
