He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
