When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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