Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
