im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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