Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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