we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
