does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
