he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
