For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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