I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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