just tell him i said nine months
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
