I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
