Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
