Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
