I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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