Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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