somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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