Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
