just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
