dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That accounts for only three of the penises
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
