So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
