no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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