You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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