He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
When are your genitals available?