textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.