i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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