Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me