six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
