Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
