I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
