The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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