Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
