He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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