u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
