So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
