I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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