Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
