i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
