Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think i got beer on your cat.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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