So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
