So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
