he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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