The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
