please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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