i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
