During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This is the high leading the old right now
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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