pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she pinky promised me she was 18
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
