We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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