So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
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this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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